- That was such a lovely sermon today. - Yeah.
It was so uplifting.
What'd you think?
You know damn well I was sleeping.
So what game are we playing?
Yeah, you could never stay awake,
and that's why you always sit behind the lady with the biggest hat.
It's your fault for feeding me pancakes before we go to church.
And the reverend's fault for being so boring.
What's that all about? That material used to work.
Well, I am sorry.
I'm sorry that Reverend Paul wasn't entertaining enough for you.
You know, maybe he should juggle while he's trying
to save your soul from the fiery pits of hell.
How is it you make the story of David/Goliath boring?
A 12-year-old kills a giant with a rock.
That's not boring!
It should make me want to go out and kill a giant.
Oh, stop.
Eve, I thought you couldn't go to church because you were running a 5K.
I could see why you would think that 'cause that's what I told you.
Wow, lying on a Sunday.
I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in frog.
Shouldn't say asses on Sunday, right? No, don't. No.
You want coffee? Yes.
Eve, when was the last time you went to church?
I mean, even Mandy goes with Kyle every Sunday to his church.
Really? Really, Mom?
Did that sound right as it came out of your mouth?
Eve. I cannot believe you.
Have you forgotten John 3:16?
"Snitches get stitches."
All right, so none of our daughters goes to church anymore.
I should've seen this coming.
I mean, none of you stuck with gymnastics, either.
What's the big deal? It's boring. Dad gets it.
Are you kidding? Boring?
12-year-old kills a giant with a rock?
I was on the edge of my pew.
Well, we're not kids anymore, so we don't need to make excuses about this.
By the way, if Kyle asks, I went to church with you guys.
I wish our daughters went to church.
So do I.
Remember when we all used to sit together...
the girls in their sweet little dresses, the... the choir, the organ music.
Mrs. Finnegan. She had that big hat.
All the fathers would fight each other to get right behind her
'cause if you sat just so, you could...
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
Hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.
You know, it's really too bad that your girls
don't want to go to church with you anymore.
Yeah.
Kids always find new ways to break your heart.
They stop going to church. They marry people you hate.
They don't share your interest in Tito Puente.
He was the king of the mambo.
Yeah, yeah.
That's a real punch to the gut right there.
I remember when Brandon said he didn't want to go to church anymore.
Carol laughed, whacked him with a Bible, threw him in the car.
There you go.
I can't force my girls to go to church.
I could knock them off that family phone plan.
But that's the only card I got left.
I'm saving that for something big.
It's tough now.
Churches have to compete with so many other forms of entertainment...
TV, movies, the Internet, and those Japanese restaurant,
you know, that toss the shrimp up in the air
and slice them before they fall right back in your mouth.
Those guys aren't all great. Yeah?
I once got a Band-Aid in my fried rice.
When I was young... churches were full. Yeah.
Because people had nothing else to do.
But right after church, we'd all run down the street with a stick and a hoop.
You should take your girls to a black church.
Now, we know how to put butts in seats.
We gave the world Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston, and Beyoncé.
Oh, yes, yes. Good butts, too.
You know what your church needs, Mike.
Yep, clever marketing director to help liven things up.
I was gonna say Tito Puente.
I know. He was the...
king of the mambo... king of the mambo.
Look, Kyle, just be yourself.
My listeners on "Vegans and Villains"
want to hear what you have to say.
All right, how many listeners are out there?
There are millions of listeners out there.
But my podcast gets 14.
And here come the butterflies.
Okay, so I will greet them and then introduce you, check?
Check.
Watermelon.
Tissue. Tissue.
Mwah. Mwah.
Good to go.
Okay.
In three, two, and...
Welcome to "Vegans and Villains."
I'm your host, Ryan Vogelson, with an hour of casual talk
about my two favorite subjects...
a do-no-harm diet and do-nothing-but-harm bad guys.
My guest this week is Kyle...
Ryan, have you seen the car keys?
Pause!
Can't you see that I'm recording here?
Sorry. I forgot you were doing your little web thingy.
Boyd is late for hockey practice.
Hey, Uncle Kyle. Are you on the podcast?
Ah, yes, I am. I am the special guest today.
I've been on five times.
I've had some cancellations.
Okay, got to go. Love you. Bye.
Love you.
And we're back.
Sorry for that interruption, folks.
My wife barged in... again.
Regular listeners will know what I'm talking about.
Maybe you shouldn't say stuff about your wife on the podcast.
Eh, don't worry about it. She doesn't listen.
She says she does, but I know she doesn't.
That's what I love about Mandy.
She doesn't listen to me, and she does not mind telling me that.
Okay, but doesn't that bother you?
Is there anything she does that drives you crazy?
Oh, she has this red dress.
When she wears it, my neck starts to sweat.
I mean, drive you crazy in an annoying way.
Oh.
Well, every Sunday, she chooses to go to her parents' church over mine.
And my church has snakes.
Well, well, well.
Sounds like we have two real-life villains to discuss.
We'll pick it up there after this.
And we're back.
- Hey, honey, listen. - Yeah.
Think I have a way to get the girls interested in church again.
Shame them? Bribe them? Blackmail?
You know, instead of always guessing what I'm gonna say,
you might just let me... finish.
I just like to get something in before the monologue really gets rolling.
It's all about marketing, really. Okay.
The girls aren't buying what the church is selling.
That's where I come in. I got it.
Jesus saves Mike, and now Mike saves Jesus.
No, no, no, no, no.
See, the message isn't the problem, it's the messenger.
This is the problem.
And yet your mat says "Welcome."
Come on in. Hi, Reverend Paul.
What are you doing here?
Well, word on the street is, you want to make a contribution.
I certainly do. Awesome.
Well, we need some new choir robes.
We take cash, checks, PayPal, Apple Pay, Venmo.
What I am offering is far more valuable than cash.
I'm going to make you more interesting.
Money orders, debit cards... even scratchers... We're pretty lucky.
The sermons are really the problem.
I mean, you're losing people, and if you keep losing people,
you're literally gonna be preaching to the choir.
Look, i-it's okay, Mike. I-I really appreciate the help.
I mean, just the one part of the job
that never really clicked with me was the sermons.
Well... that and, uh... baptisms. Hmm.
Yeah.
I always felt like I was waterboarding a baby.
Well... that explains the crying in the confessions.
Listen, I do a lot of public speaking.
I could probably help you.
Do you have anything set up for this Sunday?
All right, yeah. I mean, it's just a rough draft.
So go easy on me. Perfect, perfect.
All right.
Corinthians...
Stop.
What? All I said was "Corinthians."
I fell asleep before "inthians."
You got to put some life into it.
All right.
Corinthians! No, no.
Now we're playing Yahtzee! That's not gonna work.
Sometimes to break the ice for the crowd,
as well as yourself, a little joke, a little humor.
All right. Um...
Oh, oh!
Why didn't Noah play card games on the arc?
'Cause he was standing on the deck.
Yeah, if... if... if you're looking for a joke, I-I have a good one.
Oh, good.
So, um.... well, maybe you should say,
"Does anyone know how Moses makes his coffee?"
- You got to ask, "How?" - Oh. How?
So... with one part coffee, two parts the water.
Or you could say, "He brews it."
That's good.
Like... Like "Hebrew"?
It was right there!
Listen, Mike, this is great. Listen, I got to run.
Uh, do you have some extra time this week we can do it? Yeah.
We can work a little on eye contact...
eye contact.
Wow. Wow. Yeah.
Ugh. There you are. Kristin, I am beyond mad.
I know I don't look it because I just had this oxygen facial,
but underneath this beautiful glow is this, like, angry, monstrous...
Well, you know the way that you get.
I-Is this about that purse that Boyd took from your closet?
I-I-I was gonna give it back, but I just...
it makes me feel so fashion-y, you know, like...
like I'm the flier for the juniors section at Target.
Nope. Keep it. Ruined it for me.
This is worse.
Excuse me. Is anyone sitting here?
Yeah, he... Thank you.
Listen.
Do you listen to Ryan's podcasts?
Uh, of course.
I-I love them.
Oh!
So, um, you're okay with being called "meaner than Catwoman"?
What?
He talks about me on those things?
Mm-hmm.
He also said you're a terrible listener and... even worse... pushing 30.
I thought they were just about superheroes and salads.
No, no. That's a cover.
It's a bitch-apalooza about wives.
Also, he has some disgusting recipes on there.
Literally nothing has meat in it.
Okay, so, he talks smack about me on those podcasts?
I mean, I bought him that microphone.
Yep. I know.
And now he's got Kyle doing it. You got to do something.
Like Michelle Obama says, when they go low, kick them in the nuts.
That's completely wrong, but, uh... in this case, solid advice.
I'm, like, pretty pissed about some of the stuff he said about me on there,
but now he's famous, so I'm super torn.
Well, I suppose I should look at some of these.
Oh, my God. There are 25. Yeah.
Suddenly, he has follow-through.
This one's even called "She's Pushing 30."
So, what has the parable of the Good Samaritan taught us?
Well, my friends...
it's that we need to take care of our neighbors...
unless they're Raider fans.
I'm just kidding. Have you seen their helmets?
Ooh! They work for that other guy.
That's all me.
So, let's recap.
The Good Samaritan took care of a dirty, injured, half-dead stranger.
What a guy.
I don't even like shaking hands during flu season.
This is a blast, right?
Solid set.
I mean, I can see why they do four shows on Sunday.
He's really compelling.
I feel like he's talking just to me.
That's eye contact. I taught him that.
That's we sell snowshoes at Outdoor Man, and people don't even need them.
But here's the takeaway.
None of this stuff matters... if you're just gonna sit on your butts
and think about doing good deeds.
Where'd he go?
Uh, where... where ...where'd he go?
He's not done. He's not done. Wait for it. Wait for it.
Gotcha!
I'm back... just like another guy everybody thought was gone.
But then he came back.
Cue sincere closing.
Sincerely, folks, I know it's my job to stand up here and inspire you.
But as I look out at your faces,
I realize... it's you that inspires me.
Peace out.
You were right, honey. He was boring before.
You did a great job.
Don't thank me. Thank God.
He made me.
You know, I think next week's sermon should be on humility.
Yeah, and I'll crush it.
Well, what'd you think?
Come on. Hey, wow. That was fantastic.
With the crowds we're gonna be pulling in,
we'll be able to pay for new choir robes in no time.
And then you could use the old ones as they were intended... as tablecloths.
Hey, thanks for everything, Mike. You bet.
Listen, I got to keep mingling.
I know pride's a sin, but screw it.
I was great.
Uh, so, what do you guys think? Should we, uh...
Should we make this a regular thing?
Oh, Holy Ghost, yeah!
Yeah, let's commit right now!
Like, every... February.
Or every other February.
Or you know what? Hear me out. This was enough.
I mean, this experience was so good, it can't be topped.
Well, it could be. I won't be here.
Me neither.
Let me know.
Oh, shoot.
I thought we had them.
I think we can get them back.
I could burn one of them at the stake.
Maybe Eve will get the message.
Well, I guess that's it. We lost them.
Our girls are done with church.
There's a lot of ways to get them back, you know...
drug addiction, bad marriage, serious illness.
You got to think positive.
I mean, I always treasured those Sunday mornings we spent together.
It's a tradition that I would hope the girls would carry on.
The reverend killed it, resurrected it, killed it again.
What else can we do?
You know, I was glad he did my joke about feeding the multitudes
with one fish and a loaf of bread.
"And on that day, the Lord invented tapas."
Yeah. Yeah. Strong small-plate joke.
Yeah, small-plate jokes.
We weren't just sitting there waiting to be entertained.
We were a part of the service.
We actually gave something of ourselves.
Hmm. It worked for us.
It'll work for them.
They don't need to be entertained.
They need to get involved.
What... What are you doing?
Play along. Come here. Stick with me. Hey, wait. No. Wait.
Why don't you ever just tell me what you're doing?
Hey, girls.
No. Shh! I'm in the fashion zone.
And it's gone.
Your mom and I were talking, and we're okay with you guys going to church
just a couple times a year, like on major holidays.
Oh, you are? No way.
They're up to something.
Or, at least, Dad is.
Oh, ye of little faith.
Kind of amazed, Mandy, you didn't like the choir.
I mean, those robes are pretty spectacular, right, honey?
Uh, yeah, yeah. They were.
Uh, still don't know what you're doing.
Those choir robes are awful, Dad.
It's like a bunch of sad people being tented for termites.
It's too bad you couldn't draw something better.
Pretty sure I could in like two seconds. Yeah?
Like they say in the Old West, why don't you draw, sister?
Okay. Um... I'd start by defining the shoulders,
give it a nice scalloped hem, and maybe some gold beading,
burgundy overlay... Ah.
...and... voilà.
I like it.
Now we got to find somebody who could make that for us.
I could knock that out in five minutes. No, no.
Give me that. Uh, yeah, we dare you to knock it out.
Got it.
Oh, boy.
I'll tell you what, Eve, that music, huh?
What do you think? That was just great, wasn't it?
Just cut to the chase, old man.
It's more fun for him this way.
It's a sickness.
Hello, friends.
Welcome to another episode of "Vegans and Villains."
Today, we're discussing the Joker and spaghetti squash pad thai.
I'm joined once again by Kyle Anderson.
For those of you wondering about Boyd, he's on a playdate this week.
My wife, Mandy, is a great person.
She is perfect in every way, and I love her very much.
Looks like Kyle has kicked off the corrections portion of the podcast.
Last week, we said some things about our wives
we probably should have kept private.
I-I think it's a lesson to us all.
You should never say something about a loved one to another person
that you wouldn't say to their face.
That's very thoughtful, Kyle.
Well, it came up a lot in my talk with Mandy.
I hope I got that right, honey.
You know, I think I said what I said because
I knew my wife wasn't listening, even if she said she was.
And my immature, bratty side wanted to pay her back.
Dude, that sucks.
I know.
Turns out, I'm not only a vegan.
I'm also a villain... Passive-Aggressive Man.
Yeah, he... he seems really nice, and then he does stuff
and later, you realize, "Man, that was super crappy."
Yes. Thank you, Kyle.
And to my lovely wife...
...I'm truly sorry, honey.
From now on, if I have an issue, I'll just tell you... and not Gene and Gary,
the Banford twins, Melissa, and the gang at the downtown sub shop.
What about Gabe?
Oh, he sent me an e-mail. We lost him.
Anyway, it'll never happen again.
But in my defense, I did say way more good things about you than bad things.
And yet, for some strange reason, I'm only focused on the bad things.
Uh... for those of you who can't see, my wife is blowing me a kiss.
And here it comes now.
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a message for our online community.
"Online community"... That's a contradiction in terms.
It's not a community if you can't hear, smell,
or see the guy you're talking to.
You can brag in a chat room about the size of the buck you bagged,
but lying to someone's face is harder,
which is why it's so much more rewarding.
So, come on down... see us, hear us, smell us.
We got a restaurant, a full bar, and a gun range.
And I should have said that in a different order.
Like any community, Outdoor Man is about give and take.
You give us your money... and we take it.
You see, that kind of good-natured humor, you can't get online.
So get out and join a real community.
Come and meet new friends. Try on some new threads.
We've got outdoor clothes in every size... except small and medium.
And I think you'll find you get a whole lot more back.
What are you doing? The girls are singing.
I'm watching my vlog.
It lines up pretty well with what's going on here.